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11 : 11 hai

Whats goodie! *knock* *knock*

hey yo what’s good baby I’m gonna take you out for dinner. (lol) it always amazes me how much Memes and Tiktok‘s have been a takeover for a regular culture… really replacing who we are as individuals. Well today is day 11 and I am struggling mentally. Yep but I think you already knew that for like the last week it’s been a very hard one maybe it’s PMS maybe it’s PCOS maybe it’s just the weather or that time of year.

And I read through my post yesterday and I was like oh my God do I even speak English, hello? but I guess that’s what happens when you don’t have an editor or proofread your own shit before you put it out I’m glad you liked me enough to read these. But like I said who’s really keeping track of grammar and all of that when it’s in your journal. I’m just here to be transparently me. Honestly it’s been good for my mental health just to kind of let it out.

Yesterday we were on like such a time crunch we got Stinky after school took a nap did our laundry did a blog pose took another nap did more laundry picked up Stinky from school got dressed did our make up and stayed up all day and night doing a Subathon. Honestly, I don’t know I don’t think I’m really doubting myself I just think I’m really reevaluating how I want to stream. I had a great time and the SavageRealm that was dope as hell even though we really didn’t get to sing like that and that was some thing that my community was expecting so I think my pushback is just if things aren’t going that great it’s OK to bow out and do your own thing. I did have a great time playing Apex though and I met some dope ass people that I could see myself hanging out with again. However I had a little bit of a disappointment here and there, feelings hurt by a close friend. I’ll because they what didn’t like how I was “behaving” like I don’t know it’s hard because you can’t please everybody. And to me what should’ve mattered was I was having fun. And it didn’t seem like that mattered much it kind of made me cry when I got off not gonna hold you.

This is my journal right? So I should be able to be as honest and blunt as possible I’m not gonna always name names but I just know like I get it but at the same time I don’t. Like don’t act like because I feel like drinking… that I’m being fake like that was genuinely me and it’s pretty fucked up that they would say it like that because it made me feel like, OK what? So I just …*sigh* it really bothered me actually it still is clearly, because I’m talking about it but I’m putting it out there.

There are a lot of things that people project onto you and you can’t just dodge someone else’s feelings. It really has me looking at the entire foundation of my friendship them. Especially if you’re in a fucked up mood and I didn’t do anything to you personally. I always feel like I am there for a lot of people and when I just open up too much with them I get let down. seriously hurt. But it’s cool I’m used to it right? I know you’re probably reading this like god dang Medusa what the heck. I need to get it off my chest. But this blog is an about me feeling sorry for myself for how I feel but it is at the same time because I need it I need to be able to get it out otherwise it’s just gonna eat up at me.

Put on that smile

The good thing about this whole challenge has been me being able to have some thing to go back to and to redirect my attention and focus on. I do feel better after reading the self-love Commandments and I do feel like I am being true to myself along the way and that I’m important and to stop allowing people to make me feel like I’m wrong for feeling upset or That I can’t be goofy, Flirtatious, it’s so interesting observing all of it and then I personally don’t like going to bed mad or upset because I already I’m naturally an over thinker.

I promised myself all these things that I took about four.I promised myself all these things that I took Vow for. I made myself this promise and it also includes the promise to not be that person who breaks promises to me. It’s hard to be that kid waiting for a parent to come pick you up or live up to what they promised you. I try to be as transparent as possible with my kids because I love them we wanna build this façade some times that we’ve got everything all together and we can give them everything they want like we’re just this magical superhero. Yet, in reality we are just mortals living each day they by day. I’m trying to look at the whole spectrum there’s a big reason why I don’t do sub -athon‘s in November and December. It’s because of the holiday season also on the turn out doesn’t come out like I would hope it too kind of puts me in a little depression and I should’ve listen to my first mine on it instead of going against that and listening to other parties. I’ve been doing this for a very long time and I know when things work for me / when they don’t, I know better. Now in order for me & the community to grow, I have to do better. I think one of the hardest things about all this is not falling into that trap “tomorrow.”

Putting things after tomorrow denies us gratification right. mind you a lot of times tomorrow never comes. I just wanna be able to enjoy the time I have today with my babies. The main reason why I work so hard. I can’t let things that I already knew get the better of me.

After all last nights festivities… though they be few we still had a good turn out view wise. I felt like I needed to come back and say that because I really wanted to put something positive in this journal entry. That’s why I started this. To return to the positive thinking that I usually have. Some days it’s harder but that’s why I chose to participate in raids of ❤️… I got a chance to open up a lot more. something I don’t do often. I always just listen And keep how I feel locked up. I opened up about my son. I opened up about my mom. And I learned a lot about the awesome people at able gamers even the colleagues for this event. DDS, bullied me the whole time (lmao) and it’s going to be a running joke I can already see it but I look forward to playing more with these fantastic people more! We raised an additional 350$ to get to the goal of $1500 for able gamers foundatio! That’s amazing!

Today marks the 11th day til my daughter‘s birthday and also is the 11th of the month. She’s really been counting down to her birthday and I don’t wanna let her down. I just want her and my son to enjoy themselves this month really rough for them. I don’t think people understand still how much divorces affect kids. They are people too and they see you in pain as a parent. Pain if they don’t want to see you in. It’s so hard sometimes because they may want you to still be with that person or and I think that it’s an easy fix and they don’t understand the full parameters of why you and them are not compatible. I just wanna see my kids happy. And I can’t teach them happiness if I don’t know what it looks like for me or I don’t at least show them by example. This parent stuff is hard. I know it’s time for me to get my behind above this couch and get a decorating a tree. I was going to do a watch party while we decorate stream it but I think I’ll probably just stream decorating cookies and making you to read houses tomorrow instead. We need some us time. See you in the 🪴 garden!

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