Man, if someone told me I would be a recovering people pleaser at 36 I probably would have nodded laughed and said I bet you’re right.
So honestly, what exactly makes you a yes-man to everyone else but not to yourself? Why is it that it’s so easy to jump up and do everything for everyone else but when it comes to me procrastination is my best friend. Literally could look around my room right now and see how cluttered or chaotic it is on a regular basis or go to my bedroom or my office or anything that I referred to as “my” in front of it… I would put it off until I absolutely have to do it. why is that fair to me. What made me feel like I’m not worthy of my own time. Like it’s selfish for me to want to hoard time something that we can’t get back if we give it away to other people so freely.
Honestly this blog has become my journal I write so much down and then delete it or burn it or don’t keep it at all for later but I’m a content creator remember… “Everything And anything is Content,” I often tell myself. As I said in my gaming chair in my office blasting WFM by Realestk. “you’ve got to do better Medusa.” i’d watch myself over and over again go up and down like a roller coaster. I never gave up on streaming, being a content creator, any of it. The community goes up and down the continent goes up and down but am I really sure that I’m doing it right? Am I saturating enough? Am I putting the right people in the right positions around me?
I found myself on this journey of self discovery experiencing a whole lot of imposter syndrome and identifying myself as a people pleaser. when I say I could always show up and show out for everybody else yet feel so alone it’s amazing. even people I didn’t know anything about I’m there. I’ve lived every single day of my life with me and didn’t feel like I deserved that same or more attention energy effort I punish myself when I take time just to be me.
This blog isn’t just for anyone who is on this journey with me… it’s for my future self to it’s for my kids it’s for me at 11 years old changing my mom’s oxygen tank and helping her at the stairs. it’s for me standing on the stage in the middle of an empty theater knowing I love this but I’m so scared. It’s for me at 16 writing a letter to the rest of the stage crew saying I quit because it’s too hard and for my mom finding the letter ripping it up and telling me you’re not quitting you’re pushing through all the way to the end. It’s for my mom who I’m so terrified of being like barely remembers me. It’s for my daughter who struggles regularly and I see so much of myself in her. It’s for my son who is putting all of his energy and effort to be a better person and to fight against the things that go on in his head. And again it’s for me. Yep, it’s for me because I’m using voice to text to type this… you can’t hear me crying with a cracks in my voice or see the tears this is hard but I’m ready.
One thing that has really resonated for this month even though it’s the second day, is the quote I read on the first day of this month, it basically said we give so much attention to things that can be replaced and protect them but when it comes to time we give it so freely. when time is some thing that can never be replaced once lost.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this blog or have it read out loud if you use the highlighting read feature however it is you came across it. I appreciate you. Being consistent so hard when it comes to myself.