Updated: Apr 27, 2022
*peeks in to see if anyone is still reading*
Oh Hi accountability partners… we meaning I ... I been slacking but not? This part of the post is gonna be me being extremely transparent. As if I haven’t been the other posts. Today is day 10… (remembers this is my journal.) Nah this is deep deep.
So… “why but not though,” You say? It’s been a rough few days. Staying hydrated for ☝🏾 one. Bro I hate having to pee right about now. My bladder and my stairs are in competition and the stairs won a few times but especially the day before yesterday.
So I’m racing to go to the restroom to relieve myself for the 15th time that day and barely make it by the skin of my teeth. Here comes a buzzz and boom it’s a tiktok from DaeDae (One of the newest mods for the streaming side of things)
I go to look while walking down the stairs. I thought my bladder was empty son! Nope! It wasn’t! feet flying in the air, body tumbling like I was rolling in the deep, and I played myself… as I laid there at the bottom of the stair way intersection kid 1 peers over the banister with a rolling cackle, “you good bro!?!” and kid 2 in a panic "Omggg mom are u ok!?"
I swear my body was like ma’am I know u Lying right. Mind you the downstairs toilet is broken like it won’t flush for nothing and right now my funds are on E to repairing it. So I have to go upstairs til it’s fixed.
Lately subs haven’t been as good as they used to the last few months. *sigh* So my pockets have been extra thin. For someone who is full time content creating... It’s a little depressing but I’m not bout to complain about the lack of support. Everyone going through they own things right now. I just know that I got me and a very small few that make sure I at least have enough for my car note and rent. I’m not giving up on what I do. I got plans that are just taking a lot longer to come together than I’d like. I'm TRYING! Even thru the struggle I'm pushing because balancing loving myself, and that my self worth is important it is not attached to what I earn. *Everything that I want is already on its way because its exactly what I need and then some* Mantra of the week.
Wew! I know I know my wobble self did not just fall down the dang stairs and hurt my knee… it’s not too bad I just needed to rest and I’m only slightly bruised. So yea it was hard before going to the bathroom it’s even harder now. *sigh yet again*
So this is where we start to get real about numbers… sometimes I feel like when I see the numbers it makes me more depressed or stressed about them. Then when I see I’m making some progress I’m motivated. I just don’t like how I feel lately. ME: currently 365lbs literally is the current weight. But for me I don’t think the weight is what I personally am worried about. I lost 140 last time i did a big push and still felt mentally like shit. So this time I don’t think weight is what I’m focused on. Really what is my goal? 215ish but I honestly want to just be like a size 12-14 I am happy at that size. (and my head not too big for my body lol)
My heaviest was 454. Didn't look it or feel it like I do this time. When they say age matters… I believe it now lol. I think the hardest part about all this is knowing exactly what to do and doing it exactly how you know to do it without doubting yourself. My journey is always going to be different than anyone else’s journey and that’s one of the things that I have to keep reminding myself when I spiral into over thinking and comparisons. Even though we start to see similarities in our stories between ourselves and other people we’re still just us we’re not like anyone else in this world individuality is something that makes all the world of a difference it’s crazy that there’s really only one you no one else can live this life for you no one else can do it for you no one else can shop for you when you have to work out or eat healthy or take your medicine in the morning.
These last few days, I have been focus so much on getting out tiktoks, n meeting my goals for Dec week 1, even when it came to trying to win that contest for game informer and realizing dang I might not win because people cheat and it’s so sad that they do.
One thing I will say is finding balance is one of the hardest things you can do when you are chaotic neutral in your own story. I could remember living in hell in my own mind and remembering to do this for me it’s so many things I’m afraid of especially when you know the things that running your family that are inevitable you can only pray that you don’t end up being one of the ones that end up with things like dementia. sometimes I read old messages from my friends and I think dang people really think those things of me why don’t I think those things of me.
It’s hard when you don’t see yourself as a main character in your own story. It’s so important because understanding that you’re not gonna be a main character in everybody else’s story but you should be in your own. You might play a pivotal role sometimes and you have to think of it like seasons kid some seasons people will be predominant characters and other seasons they’ll just be fillers here and there. It’s really crazy how it works. Life is like that, so maintain idea that you are the main character of your own story. It’s time for you to triumphs and to win but no there’s gonna be some pitfalls there is going to be some moments where you feel like is this it is this worth it. Baby, it’s worth it… you’re worth it.
Lately, I've been using this app called Fabulous on my phone to help manage my daily goals. 1 step at a time. Stay focused on the present you little over thinker you. (Here's 3 free months if you want to try it for the 1st 5 ppl)
So the game plan is to push for 10000 stars ✨ on Facebook during #starfest and 200 subscribers on #twitch … is it unrealistic? Maybe to some but to me it’s possible. So we’re doing a star marathon and a sub-a-thon on twitch simultaneously. If you’re not familiar with a Sub-a-ton is it’s when you participate in receiving subscriptions to your twitch channel in exchange for time added so it becomes a marathon he start with an a lot of time mine is usually 4 to 8 hours my usual stream time and then if they want me to extend the time then donating tips or bits or subscriptions extend that time. in this case I’ll be adding any stars or subscriptions on Facebook to the roster because I’ll be streaming on both at the time.
I usually drink Focus energy and a lot of water so… 🤞🏾On getting to the bathroom in one piece lol! I just really have to make sure I plan bathroom breaks accordingly maybe once every two hours or something like that it’s all about time management at this point. I do plan on taking a break after like 12 or 16 hours maybe a nap. But when I say focus gets me through hours and hours of streaming and contact creating it really does the trick. Not only that but it’s still stays within my parameters for my intake budget without making me feel like I’m drinking some thing that could be harmful to my house or giving me the shakes after. (Shameless plug tho 🔌) If you want to try advanc.gg product, I would recommend using code “garden” at checkout for 10% off not only do you get a discount but it helps me out too.
I swear sometimes people (yep, I fixed a typo words are hard) will come in your life at the weirdest times, you could be in your darkest moments and see a cute ass hand come out of nowhere with freshly manicured polished fingernails and purple hair looking like a goddess.
I have Loyalty to thank for that, I’m so appreciative for people like him in my life. There’s not a whole lot of them that have made sure that they appreciate who I am to them and they show me, he’s definitely a real one. Couldn't ask for better people in my life.
This weekend I’m also participating in the raids of love with A W rebels and I’m so excited to do it again. Bright and early on a Saturday morning so I hope I get to see you there. The charity we will be making aware during Disabled Gamers Week is The Able Gamers Foundation. I'm just excited to be able to help and share this experience with some new and awesome content creators! Its always such a relief to participate in things that love on people of all walks of life.
I appreciate you so much for stickin' around! I tell you it took me hours to do this post because of my dang ADHD, but I did get 3 loads of laundry done, make some much needed doctor, vision and dental appointments , arrange a few things for princess's birthday and a small 15 min nap. OHHH and Imma draw too for DONATIONS and 5+ subs <3 lil quickies the CHIBIs <3 this should be fun on Sunday!
Actually, I think I may take another before my day starts to roll out. Now to fold these clothes and nap then get ready for our lives. I'm gonna do my make up on tiktok O_O eek! IDKY I always get so anxious when I want to try to live stream from new destinations. I GETS NERVOUS! <3
Have an awesome day!
Check out this tiktok though cuz now you got's other thangs to do ;) BAIIIII!!!!!