The sleeper has awakened! Yep! I’m up and when I say a fire burns in my soul right now! I been sleep all morning OK! Hai luvs & baes! Do you how do (if you know u know) … but yea so know how are you just doing a little stuff here and there and do you like OK that’s enough I’m tired 😴 especially when you hurt/ injure yourself prior, it’s so buns! but you know sometimes you just Gotta push through and get that 30 minute workout in and I did it it was a little Pilates session and I feel great just showered read my TickTock‘s for the day and when I say like I’m so proud of myself like amazingly proud like invested proud I’m more proud than ever and fighting ! then I had an epiphany like I swear it was almost like God just whispered in my ear and was like Gena I need you to take your mom with you on your journey she may not remember who you are some of the time but she needs to be there along the way. she’s gonna need you right now just like everybody else but even more than that.
Yep my mom doesn’t really remember who I am sometimes it’s OK like I’m kind of used to it now but it sucks some days cause I just want to call her and cry and tell her everything that’s going on in my head and I can’t I love her so much! so I have to get back she still works and when I talk to her it’s like talking to a blank wall sometimes but that’s my mom.
So as of January we’re going to be working out together me and her and the kids for sure I’ll at least have enough income coming in to make sure my bills are paid and have enough gas to go pick her up so we can go hiking or walking or even just do something indoors but I really just want me and the kids to have some thing that we’re doing together .
I have invited a lot of the community members to participate in what I’m doing right now which is a challenge called Keep It 100: it’s 100 days of positive things changes to your life to manifest your journey. I’m inviting you as well again if you wanna come but you just reading this is you participating because it is part of it. like I said before I may not post every single day but I need to emotionally dump and vent sometimes I need to get things off my chest or think things through or get back. Somedays, I don’t edit my blog other days I do you’ll see a bunch of pictures and post and productivity and other days hey I’m existing, I woke up today this is me … me.
Dealing with imposter syndrome is so hard sometimes because in my head I want to be perfect I want everything to be in its place I want my make up to be right I want the fat fold them back to not be there but they’re not gonna go anywhere if I’m not doing anything you know and they’re definitely not gonna go anywhere overnight so I’m just being as transparent as possible I’m just being me so I can except who I am because nobody else has. One of the things about imposter syndrome that I’ve learned is there are like five or six traits that the imposter has you know and it’s not that we’re like lying to the world or anything it’s just and I had we want perfection or to be the expert or to be flawless or to act like a Virgo ha ha lol. it’s just being a genuine person it’s hard sometimes because people around you aren’t genuine and it’s hard to read them or what they’re like tend care too much about what everybody else thinks or how they feel about you instead of how you feel about you.
Impostor Syndrome : the persistent inability to believe that one's success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one's own efforts or skills. Refers to an internal experience of believing that you are not as competent as others perceive you to be.
"people suffering from impostor syndrome may be at increased risk of anxiety" - oxford dictionary.
Boy, if I could be a fly on the wall for my childhood just so I could see where things went wrong or what was crazy about certain things or even if I could be my own guardian angel and step in and beat the shit out of people harmed me but then I think would I be who I am today? When I have my kids? And I think the hardest part about things is when your kids go through things that you couldn’t prevent or you could have prevented but you didn’t know because you were in your own head at the time and now that I’m a parent I can understand my mom so much more.
Sometimes I wonder like why did you settle why did you allow certain things to happen to me and my brothers why? Then I realize that sometimes things are just uncontrollable sometimes you settle because you don’t wanna disappoint people around you with you falling short of what the expectation is of you.
I know this might not be for everyone and it might not be the best post or best blog you’ve ever read but I really hope that it resonates with you even if this is your first time reading or your 13th time reading and I don’t post every day but I try to post every day and eventually I might get to the point where I do but it’s OK if I don’t.
Yesterday was a breakthrough for me. I realized something about myself that I really have this thing about me that doesn’t give up on things that I’m really invested in if I’m trying to learn something new I’m gonna figure it out it might take me longer than others but I’m definitely gonna figure it out because sometimes I’ll ask probing questions and people aren’t willing to help. Or they aren’t willing to help unless I do something in return which is kind of toxic. And that’s not OK, I’m really starting to realize there are a lot of toxic people in my life.
I need to just start being happy to start being me and start excepting me more because I’m not for everyone but I know who I can before that’s me and my kids. being a parent is a temporary assignment sometimes you have your hands tied and you can’t be the parent that you want to be for them right in that moment and they may not understand it but eventually they might and eventually they might not you just have to come to the conclusion that those things that are unknown are OK to stay unknown.
Maybe I should entitled this blog “it’s Ok.”
I am learning so much about myself and about what I want for my stream or my business if you me and I’m so excited about the things that I have planned in the future going into this new year with an open heart and open arms to all of the things that are planned for me my hope is that all of them are positives because there’s been so many negatives that I don’t have enough hands and feet to count them on.
We put up our tree finally! I had so much fun with the kids and chat I cant even explain how it made me feel to be able to just chill and do that. Though in the past I have always very subconscious of how I look on camera full body like I had to warm up to it on different platforms if that makes sense. I'm starting to feel like I really don't care. This is me...for now and even if I look like this for a long period of time I'm not worried about it. I'm really loving who I am. Idk I never cared but did at the same time… I always was like wtf is this. Lol…
Well, I’m going to leave this with you. these are the things you have to do to cultivate a better life not only from research but from understanding.
if you want to know yourself better : start a journal; If you want to understand the world better: read, there is a lesson to be learned because nothing in this world is new. If you want to thing clear: meditate and how to clear your head but also it helps your body mind and soul; if you want to improve how you feel, your mood: go for a hike or a picnic something to do with the nature, God create a nature just for us to enjoy so we have somewhere to speak to him and embrace beauty; if you want to grow faster or do something major: Be consistent and have discipline; if you want to start helping others: you have to start by helping yourself; and most importantly if you want love from others you have to start by loving yourself! I know it seems like one of the hardest most selfish things you could ever do in the world but it’s not it’s not selfish I love yourself. you can love everyone else wholeheartedly unapologetically you can help everyone else wholeheartedly with no breaks no boundaries but when it comes to you doing it for yourself I understand you can feel so ashamed you can feel so spoiled you can feel like you don’t deserve it but it turns out that you do… I deserve this.
My positive affirmation for today:
Life Supporting us
Life Supports me
stay hydrated 💦
stay prayed up 🙏🏾
always remember to water your flowers 🌸 - Gena