Merry Christmas! 🎄 Gardenbaes!
This is me internally the entire month of December I’m convinced. But it’s just something about Christmas that makes people so on edge anxious I wanted to please everyone else around them not knowing it’s ok if you can’t. whatever you’re able to do it’s ok if you can’t. If the only thing you can do is pay your bills on time that’s amazin!
Christmas Eve was fantastic! I got to see my dad which I didn’t even get a chance to take a picture with him but I did some pictures of him so that was awesome and my grandparents they just made things also magical I love them so much. My dad has this awesome girlfriend her name is Crystal and I was her secret 🤶 Santa call me Mrs. Claus if you may. I feel like it’s an amazing journey to be able to see my family grew up as beautiful as they have been. I had some dope ass conversations with my cousins and listen to some very interesting and inspiring conversations between the older gentleman and my family. when I say they sparked that that GTA role-play (reality) crossover for me, I mean like I know quite a bit but I’ve only watch from a far thankfully I’ve had an opportunity to kind of keep myself out of bullshit and my dad did his diligence to do that so I’m thankful. I’m not naïve when it comes to certain things but I just pretend to be I guess. It’s interesting to see how the world is unfolding for sure. it made me remember that some people don’t have any idea what’s going on in their own backyards but it will sit there and swear up and down they understand the streets. knowing people and knowing of people two different things will get to that when we get there.
This year has taught me so much. I can’t tell you enough how even just this month has taught me so much about myself. That I’m capable I have a game plan in mind and I know exactly what I’m gonna do for this year I have until September to really make it happen and I’m going to I’m pushing through and no one’s gonna stop me. The only one who can stop me is me for sure.
This month is also taught me that even if the only thing I can provide to my kids is a listening ear a hug and I love you that’s genuine from the bottom of my heart that it’s enough. It taught me that sometimes having my guard up is a good thing that way I can observe from the watch towers of my mind and really view a person for who they are seeing and observing other people around me who want to enter my life as new individuals has become so interesting. New people in my life that awaken things that I haven’t seen or heard from myself in years. I’m excited! For a change, I don’t feel anxious to jump in to a cold pool… I feel like I am preparing my body mentally and physically even just by dipping my toe into the water before I step back and really take that leap. Do you know how
sometimes you really just want to go swimming but you don’t know the temperature of the water so you don’t wanna shock yourself, you just kind of swish foot around in the pool “oh it’s really cold,” I prepare my mind… yet there is already somebody in the water waiting for you, “hey girl! I’m here waiting for you! Come on in!” The whole “the water is fine,” they’re not splashing, they’re not there to pull you under or in with them, they wait for you. I’ve never experienced this before. What does scare you about it is… they are genuinely waiting for you to be comfortable. The comfort to say it’s OK come on in. That’s how I’m feeling right now, it’s really an amazing feeling. It makes me feel like a kid again… but at the same time it’s a new feeling. It reminds me that I’m human but it also reminds me that I’m deserving of love no matter how guarded or protected. I feel scared, terrified! There’s so many different things changing in my life all at once. But even though I do feel scared I feel confident.
“Let the beauty of what you love to be what you do.” – Rumi
My soft goal is to be able to buy the house that I live in (or one in the area) and the only way that I’m gonna be able to accomplish that is by applying all the goals that I put in my last post and then some. I know for a fact this is something that’s purpose for me so this 100 days has been really interesting I know it’s only day 25 lol but we’re 25% through and I said that I wanted to start incorporating more dancing making sure that I’m eating regularly because I definitely only do that once a day if that if I even remember and I go through with low blood sugar and pissed off at the entire world I am ready! Like, legitimately ready for everything that is on that goals list I’m a take my time and doing it but I’m gonna do it I’m doing it. I’m excited for the new people in my life getting to know them the new community members a new loves and the new space the new silence the presents the new abilities all of those things that are here to come I’m ready.
You know I have like these crazy dreams sometimes and they feel so prophetic and profound and then realizing that it’s just me projecting sometimes or feeling like is that an alternate universe of mine is this some thing it feels so real I know for a fact that I’m on the right path. That déjà vu feeling is so crazy you know it’s like I’m walking this road I’ve seen this before I should go that way and my subconscious is telling me keep going.
I love where my life is going. I love who God is removing from it. I love you God is inserting into it. I love that I’m at that point where the changes that I’m making … I can really see them and I think that’s the hardest part about starting something new or committing to something is anything going to change or is anything going to be different. Yessss! I am loving me for me. I am team me. And I’ve never been on my own team before and that’s so crazy to me when I look back and I’m like it’s not that I was not confident. I just allowed others to say who I am and not me say who I am not me love who I am as it is. As I am. I always watch from the sidelines as women made all these bountiful changes to their lives and wondered why am I not ready. I sat there quiet and still doing my meditation even though it was only five minutes. I really only meditate when I really need it not realizing that I need it every day . I know we have like this descriptive “criteria for who we want to be with but what is the criteria for who you want to be for the person you want to be with. Because even though I have a laundry list of things I haven’t taken the time to be those things on that list. It’s not about me wanting to be in a relationship with anyone else it’s about me developing the relationship with myself.
I’m excited I’m like I love you Gen, I love you Medusa I think that’s one of those things that like make me identify as she/them as opposed to she her cause I never feel like I’m just one person I feel like when people are around me they get the stage streamer content Creator me and the person I am at home in the privacy and they never get an opportunity to know both simultaneously without there being an issue on their end. Like, I really feel like these things are important to me and that I should be able to exalt them without having to shrink back because I make someone else feel small in I circle. I know I don’t brag. I know I don’t boast in a way that makes people feel some kind of way that makes sense. Like I said before I struggle with imposter syndrome a lot and overcompensate a lot because I still feel like I’m not doing enough or I don’t feel like I deserve it. And it what’s amazing is I feel like I do deserve it. Even more so hearing it from someone who is getting to know you and they’re like “I don’t understand why you feel like you don’t deserve it when you worked hard for it and that’s why you worked hard was to have it, no?” when I say that has been on repeat in my mind for the last 48 hours, I have tears rolling down my cheek and a big ass smile on my face. Because it feels good. I wish that everyone that has some thing in their mind is able to execute it to its fullest. To be able to see it come to fruition and exceed with their expectation for it was.
Man, I always say it takes a special type of person to be with a content creator or anyone
who’s in the limelight or entertaining for that matter. Because honestly I think that like, when you are entertaining or Content creating and you build a community and you say to that community hey this is what we’re about we have like mines and this is what we’re about. It’s so much more. I know I don’t focus on just one thing in my discord but there is a foundation to it and that foundation is that we should be able to water each other because we’re all growing and that’s the only way that will be able to continue to grow is shining warming and watering . Even though you may not have the same communities or you might have seen people in the communities everybody’s different. Everybody bands with someone or bond with someone for different reasons and I just wanna see what everyone’s reason is I wanted to be around me before I did anyway . Now I just kind of feel like this is me and I hope that you accept me for me and it’s OK if you don’t. I know there are people out there who want to be in the community or miss the community. I can tell you this man, I have rebuilt this community at least 3 times over the years some left because me and my ex broke up some left because I didn’t wanna continue down a path doing things that I didn’t like and I felt like they were toxic to myself. While others they get caught up in life or they started their own communities that they had to focus on and that’s OK too. Did you know that you’re part of the community just by reading this. You know it’s funny because I never called anybody a gardener before like I think I’ve always called people garden loves and garden baes and I feel like that’s fitting to the community you know.
I think that even just opening up more is a big step for me because I’ve always been very very guarded and private. I think it’s a big difference it’s a change because even when it comes to my family I always been very private and to myself and not necessarily shy everybody knew I wasn’t shy but I really did care about the judgment like my grandparents never really judged me they said their opinions on things that I would do and back to me for the most part help me wipe my tears a lot… and I’m so thankful for that I think that’s what grandparents are supposed to do I guess. I don’t know just yet but I do know that being a parent is really hard sometimes but it’s so rewarding and this whole entire blog I swear I just pour out. it’s like you think about yourself and you’re like I grew up with myself I’ve lived with me my entire life and I still don’t know this bitch lol. but I know me, sometimes I even surprise myself though I think that’s what is hitting different for me these days. Well merry Christmas you guys I love y’all and if you don’t celebrate Christmas I love you and I hope you have an amazing weekend holidays are not you are who you are.