HEEEYYYYY Youuuu Guyyyyyys!
I swear I love the Goonies. Showing my age yet? I'm wit it though, don't get me wrong. I will be corny and cringe as much as I want this is my journey lol!
So, Where have I been?
Probably listening to Mesago or SZA in my dirty ass office. You know the one I keep half cleaning and messing up over and over its a vicious cycle.
Wish I had recorded it solo because of how many requests to just do it.
NGL, I love being able to just be myself for a change. When I say the last 100 day challenge just completely changed my life. Its still constant change but I see so much more from and for myself as a whole. I really appreciate you being a part of my universe. Even as I write this I just get a surreal feeling. I'm doing my best and giving my best for sure.
So I made it a point to commit this challenge to my blog instead of discord this time imma just post the FanHouse posts and blogs there. ლ(́◉◞౪◟◉‵ლ If you're joining me let me know below! Share this post via twitter and tell me what your focus is this 100days. I didn't get to start on 4/2 like I projected but that's ok we are STARTING that's the most important part.
Wednesday we start the cleanse I have so much on my schedule i did start separating my veggies for it but some gnats got to a bag i left out *facepalm* so womp womp
If you're not sure pray. plan. prepare. even if you're scared pray. plan. prepare. once you do those MOVE put action to it it wont happen if you don't make a move. it wont flourish if you don't make a move. you've got this.
I recently started showing some interest in this guy. I know, I know... how reluctant of me to think that I would have the AUDACITY to be interested in anyone right about now. Honestly, he's been so good to me. Its different. Just talking (sorta) but different. I like him. (A LOT) In my openness about this I'm still very much single though. I think to myself he gotta love me better than I can love me right now cuz my solitude feeling mighty nice.
I'm unlearning a lot of damages that the past has taught me. Learning self worth has been a constant struggle but even more is annunciating that my hearts desires are with myself and for myself while getting to know them is interesting. I like it though. I don't want to hyper focus like my ADHD normally has me doing on all the things that could be variants of the past. I just hope that as I grow and learn, I can continue to do that with them by my side.
I speak with my therapist about all of this. From the way that I am learning my value.
I could remember being so enamored by people who had a false sense of self to the public but behind closed doors they were completely different. That's no way to live. Its really like lying to yourself and setting yourself up for failure honestly. Especially because not only do they do this to their communities they aren't being REAL. Not that I would give false pretenses of strength to theGarden but I wouldn't open up like I do now. Hell, even crying on stream is kind of taboo for me even though I'm definitely a cry baby. Well not a "crybaby" but i just cry because my emotions are sooooo high. Like I cry more when I'm happy or filled with joy than when I'm sad.
Subscribe for gym tips. Ok Ok... the picture we've been waiting for is here
Like look at me: here i lost my 1st 150 and I was so proud of myself I got down to 265 in this photo. I know I don't look it but i was physically where I wanted to be. So I think that's what my goal is 265 again (ish). Not really that specific weight but more so the way I just want to get rid of my stomach and enjoy hiking, skating and other things even though I was still super clumsy lol. I hate that I really thought I was 400+ in my head. I didn't see this back then. Now lookin in hindsight I
could beat my own ass for not loving me fully. I had so many toxic people in my life to add to what I thought of myself. Family,
"friends", coworkers people that didn't understand where my head was mentally. I look at who I used to date and who I gave myself to and just shake my head in disappointment at how much they didn't love me let alone me loving me either. Its neither here nor there now. I KNOW I'm not going back. My heart hasn't been too tarnished. I'm focused now. I still have my moments, my triggers, my setbacks. Best thing I've heard this week is "Gardens grow even a the storm," I love them so much for that statement. It speaks to me. It watered me. It made me pour my heart out in a long ass monologue just to circle back and pray more about what i could do to fix me. Like I'm not as broken as I used to be. I am safe and protected more than I ever have been. I said goodnight not out of spite but out of recollection of how it used to be. Then thoughts and poetry come to my heart and head like:
He waters my garden even when I’m not looking Forbidden fruit protected by his sunshine Guardian of my light Whispering to my fears Set them at ease Fragile and protected In the sun and the rain Music plays Flowers bloom We belong I wait under the arboretums entry For him
Remembering that they don't put big chains on small dogs is key during this season and my journey. There is a lot I still have to learn and unlearn. I'm here for the long haul, regardless of if its physically changing my body to be what I want to see for myself or just the spiritual journey that's attached to it. I know I am happier right now. The happiest I've been. Not because of anyone else but because of myself. Its what like day 13 now. I'm almost 2 weeks in. I am proud of myself. Almost 1k cal burned daily. Making amends with my past self and understanding that my highest self needs restitution for the wrongs I've done to me. I love the way life is pointing me in this direction towards a love that is ever growing. There are small things here and there that may feel like are you sure... but I am more sure than I've ever been that even if its short lived I'm happy with me and with who is picking me. I didn't ask to be loved they just do it and do it in such a way that even though I am flawed those flaws don't feel UNFIXABLE. I cant wait to paint with Liv and discuss more in depth highest self and journey. Its surely enjoyable to get to know not only myself but others also on their journey's. Even be apart of others on their own.
So now that that cleanse is over... yes this was a jump in time and space. 10 days had
passed and that was NOT the business. I was supposed to attend Creator House for Rolling Stones and Meta. Kinda heartbroken I couldn't because of a vac mandate but its whatever. I'll get over it. Its something i cant change in the moment and I'm sure they will do other things.
As I sit here tying this and def falling asleep I look at how pretty I looked thinking I was going to attending. Idk I'm kind of ready to do my butterfly locs because its getting close to me going all in. and thinking I don't want to have to do my hair for a while. I'm excited to have a protective style again. Hair period is just such a tedious thing to take care of. I do want my feet hand hands redone because i spent WAY to much on this basic lack of quality job they did.
Do you feel like YOU are able to verbalize what you want with yourself truly? Or are you still trying to figure things out?
Either way, you know is the time internally or externally. These changings are needed to heal fully. I'm learning so much in this season.
I am truly blessed.